Christine Marie

“I wanna be in the room where it happens. The room where it happens. I wanna be in the room where it happens. The room where it happens.” The lyrics from the most recent Broadway hit, “Hamilton”, are playing on repeat in my head – although, to be honest, I am unsure if this is an attempt to hype myself up, or my relentless insecurities manifesting in the form of a catchy Broadway tune. I had just been promoted to Vice President months prior and I was acutely aware that that promotion had made me only one of two female executives at the company. No pressure.

The year leading up to my promotion I was eyeball deep and barely keeping afloat. You see, we were smack dab in the middle of a global pandemic – the still staying at home and wiping groceries with off-brand disinfectant wipes, time of the pandemic. And, like all the other working parents across the globe, I was overseeing schooling for my children, on top of all other daily chores, including a full-time career.

Full transparency, ‘overseeing’ may be a bit of an understatement.  You see, for one exceptionally short moment in time, pre-Corporate-America, I was a middle school teacher, but that’s a story for another day. After realizing I simply did not have the remarkable make-up of a public-school teacher, I transitioned to Adult Learning and Education in the world of business. But it was this background that led me to decide two short months was simply not enough time for our already under-supported public-school teachers to turn an entire year’s curriculum into a successful online program – and so I made the decision to pull my children from school and homeschool them myself. Yes, you read that right. I decided, that on top of my full-time career, stress of a global pandemic, building a new home, and a pandemic puppy, I was going to curate and implement a 6^th and 2^nd grade curriculum for my children- English, math, science, history, art, music, and all.  I even went so far as to turn one of the rooms in our home into a classroom including desks, a whiteboard, colorful posters, 3d printer, art supplies – you name it, we had it.

My days consisted of rising early to get a little work done and double-checking I had everything prepared for “school” before the girls woke. After breakfast, we would make our way to our basement classroom where the girls would work on their first lesson of the day while I would squeeze in my first work call of the day. An hour later we would transition to our next lesson, art project, or online activity all while I answered emails and did my best to manage my team in-between.

And so, the days proceeded much the same; Wake early and work, have breakfast, start a lesson. Squeeze a call in while helping the kids through their math. Answer a few emails then prepare lunch. Start another lesson and take another call. Work for roughly 15 minutes before the kids needed an afternoon snack. After the snack, prepare the art or music or science activity for the day. Answer emails while helping them work through the activity. Clean up the mess from the activity and declare school done for the day. Immediately jump on back-to-back work calls and answer a few emails before heading to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Post dinner, head back to the computer for more work and next day prep…and so it went, a monotonous drudgery of simply existing from one moment to the next. So, you can imagine my surprise, dear reader, when out of the blue, my boss called and excitedly offered me a promotion from Director of Learning and Development to Vice President of Talent Development – an entirely new position and department within the company that I was to build from the ground up.

Enter those ugly, intrusive, imposter thoughts.

Imposter syndrome is a psychological phenomenon in which individuals doubt their accomplishments and have a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud, despite evidence to the contrary. If you are unfamiliar with this not-so-recently termed phenomenon, let me share some data.

Suzanne Imes, and Pauline Rose Clance, were the first to coin the term “imposter phenomenon” in 1978. In their groundbreaking study they interviewed 150 women from various professions and backgrounds, including academia, business, and the arts. The authors found that despite high levels of achievement and success, many of the women interviewed experienced feelings of fraudulence and self-doubt. The authors describe these feelings as the “imposter phenomenon” and suggest that it is a common experience among high-achieving women.

1. Who it affects: Imposter syndrome affects people of all ages, genders, races, and backgrounds. However, research suggests that it is more common among high-achieving individuals, especially those in academia, technology, and the arts. A 2019 survey by KPMG found that 75% of women in leadership roles reported experiencing imposter syndrome, compared to 58% of men.
2. How it affects people: Imposter syndrome can cause feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. It can also lead to procrastination, perfectionism, and difficulty in accepting praise or recognition for achievements. In some cases, it may even lead to poor health, depression, or other mental health issues. According to a 2019 survey by the Society for Human Resource Management, 22% of respondents reported that imposter syndrome had contributed to their burnout at work.
3. Prevalence: Research suggests that imposter syndrome is relatively common, with estimates suggesting that up to 70% of people experience it at some point in their lives.
4. Causes: The causes of imposter syndrome are complex and multifaceted. Some factors that may contribute to its development include perfectionism, a lack of confidence, societal pressure to succeed, and negative self-talk. Further, women may be more susceptible to imposter syndrome due to societal socialization to be more self-critical and less willing to take praise for their work than their male colleagues. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women tended to attribute their successes to external factors, such as luck or help from others, whereas men tended to attribute their successes to internal factors, such as ability or effort.
5. Impact on career: Imposter syndrome can have a significant impact on an individual’s career, as it can lead to missed opportunities and a reluctance to take on new challenges. It can also affect workplace relationships and collaboration.  A 2019 study published in the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that imposter syndrome was negatively associated with salary negotiation and self-efficacy among women in male-dominated fields.

As researchers have continued to study this phenomenon they have found, that at its root, those suffering from imposter syndrome have a strong fear of being rejected. What does that mean? At risk of oversimplifying, it means that as human beings, we have a psychological need to belong for our survival. Imposter syndrome protects us from putting ourselves in situations that would lead to others seeing us as less than, foolish, or otherwise unworthy of belonging. I would bet, that at least in one instance of your life, you chose to remain on the sidelines when logic would tell you, you do in fact belong. Ever declined to speak up in a meeting or classroom when you know you had the right answer? Ever skipped applying for a job because you weren’t exactly sure your experience matched what they were looking for? These micro impostorisms happen daily and, unsurprisingly, have become even more common post-pandemic.

There’s a correlation between the occurrence of imposter syndrome and the pandemic? You bet.

As I said earlier, at our core, human beings have a need to belong. Not just for the benefit of basic survival (think hunter-gatherer era), but to learn new skills, be supported when we fall, and have a sounding board for our own ideas and insecurities. During those months of unending social isolation, humans missed the opportunity to check-in with one another to share common fears and doubts. Our sense of belonging was lost, as was the chance for our tribe to challenge our reservations and push us when our own anxieties had us holding back. This lack of tribal balm for our exposed souls had us believing that everyone else was succeeding, while we were simply existing.

Back to Hamilton, and that catchy Broadway tune playing on repeat in my head, I was about to walk into an actual room, with actual people, for the first time in what felt like years. And not just any people, the executives of our organization – all of them. They were here, at my request, and I was scared shitless. I had organized this meeting to take our executives through an initiative coming out of the newly established Talent Development organization. An initiative that would fundamentally transform the way we look at and develop talent within the company. Mercifully, only a few months prior, the pandemic had eased its chokehold on the world, and we were tentatively easing our way back into what would become our new normal. My children had returned to school and offices, with masks mandatory, were allowing in-person events for critical needs. My initiative was deemed “critical”.

So here I was, standing just outside the room where our all-male C-Suite and executive leaders were gathered, humming Hamilton, and trying to convince myself to go in. “Do I even belong in that room?” I wanna be in the room where it happens. “I was barely surviving during the pandemic, what the heck did they see in me to offer me this role?” The room where it happens. “I am going to make a fool of myself.” The room where it happens. Those hostile thoughts intruding between lines of Broadway chorus. As I was entering the final stanza in my head, I was interrupted by my employee – a seasoned professional that had put in countless hours on this project. With a tentative glance at the room, he turned to me and asked, “Are we ready?” In that moment, I had one of two choices – let the demons in my head win or step up and lead.

Fast forward six months, and I am sitting in a large banquet hall surrounded by my children, family, closest friend, and 29 other powerful women from across the state, being recognized for their exemplary work in leading the way in business, law, and education. More specifically, I am being honored for shifting the culture at my organization to one of coaching, mentoring, and leadership to develop talent from within. What do you know, I guess I did belong in the room where it happened.

You Too, Belong In The Room

In order to avoid the detrimental effects of imposter syndrome, one must first understand how to identify it in order to create strategies to overcome it.

It’s important to understand that impostor syndrome is directly related to attitudes—feelings, behaviors, and understanding. The same way a person who is afraid of spiders (feeling) will refuse to hold one at a school demonstration (behavior), someone who feels like an impostor or fraud (feeling) will do anything not to be found out (behavior) as an impostor. The same person afraid of a spider can interpret spiders are dangerous (understanding). The person struggling with imposter syndrome may determine they are not capable of completing a task at work (understanding). Our own feelings, behaviors, and understandings – that psychological need to belong –  are the roots of impostor attitude.

Researchers defined some guides that describe impostor attitudes. These descriptions can help you determine if you are struggling with Impostor Syndrome. It is essential to understand how these manifest in your life to identify the causes for these attitudes.

• Impostor attitudes can be future-directed. These thoughts and beliefs are focused on disconnecting what you may have been able to accomplish today with what you could accomplish tomorrow. This thought process supports that today’s performance was primarily due to events you do not control and will likely not repeat. Future-directed beliefs and feelings attack the quality of your past performance to support a thought-process of helplessness. You may think that today’s presentation went well, but next week’s meeting will not go as well. Instead of repeating the same behaviors in the next meeting, one believes that repeating behaviors is not possible.
• Impostor attitudes can be specific. Some impostor attitudes stress areas that affect your interpretation of past events to disqualify your capabilities. For example, a student may believe that they were admitted to a specific program because it needed female representation in a predominantly male academic program. An employee may interpret the successful presentation of a new project at work because they worked extra hours for an extended period to be “prepared.” These specific areas feed the belief that you could not have possibly accomplished your goals without doing something extraordinary—the underlying belief is that you, your knowledge, and your skills are simply not enough.
• Impostor attitudes undervalue concrete personal qualities. Impostorism will lead you to believe that your talent, skills, and competence are disconnected from the results you produce. Results from your work may be justified by several factors related to the setup of the situation: I was assigned an amazing group to work with; this task is just easier for women to complete; my teacher likes me, so she gave me a good grade.
• Impostor attitudes can intensely focus on absolute or relative standards. Competition with others and constantly comparing yourself focuses on absolute or relative standards. Absolute standards are usually embodied in something we believe is perfect or ideal—the productive small business, the perfect mom, the top professional in your field. Relative standards maintain impostor attitudes when the intent is to be better than or worse than another person. Examples of relative standards are comparing oneself to a coworker; trying to make more money than a neighbor; and having better or worse grades than your sibling. The aspect of this attitude that hurts the individual the most is constantly comparing self with others. That keeps the focus on others without recognizing the unique qualities one possesses.  

Now that we understand the 4 types of imposter attitudes (future-directed, specific, undervalued personal qualities, and absolutes/relative standards), we can start to identify them in our own imposter cycle. The impostor cycle refers to the thought and feeling processes that result in impostorism or feeling like a fraud. This cycle is where impostor attitudes live and thrive. There are four phases to the impostor cycle. These are:

1. Event: Usually, there is an event that provokes or triggers impostor attitudes. The event may be a school assignment, a project at work, dealing with a new family problem, or facing a child’s chronic disease diagnosis.
2. Worry and Self-doubt: Once the event occurs, worry starts to set in. Fear of being identified as a fraud follows.
3. Overpreparation or Procrastination: The individual responds with “a lot of hard work (over-preparation)” or “waiting it out (procrastination).”
4. Explanation of Results: When the task or event is completed successfully, the individual explains away success in light of hard work (internal factor) or luck (external).

Let’s now make this real for you. I want you to take out a piece of paper or your journal. Take a moment to think about a time when you allowed your own self-doubt, insecurities, or fear to affect your daily life. Reflect on one experience that triggered your impostor syndrome. Try to identify the phases of the impostor cycle in your experience. On your piece of paper, write the following:

• Event: What happened? Where? What type of imposter attitude did this trigger for you?
• Worry and Self-doubt: How did you feel?
• Overpreparation or Procrastination: What did you do? How were your feelings and your actions associated?
• Explanation of Results: How did you explain the results? Did you recognize your contributions appropriately?

Now here’s the important part, after you reflect on a specific experience, write an alternate ending. What would you do differently based on what you have learned? If you’re feeling particularly brave, share your greatest takeaway from this activity with a trusted friend or family member (your tribe).

As you get better and identifying triggers that cause imposter attitudes, you will also become more proficient at countering these thoughts. While there are many strategies for addressing imposter syndrome, including seeking out mentors and support systems, reframing negative self-talk, and recognizing one’s own strengths and accomplishments, the one I find most useful is that of the counternarrative. When you find yourself in the middle of imposter thoughts, or even afterward during a moment of reflection, ask yourself these questions – for even more clarity, write the answers down:

1. What imposter thought(s) did I have?
   1. There is no way I can complete my part of the project, I have no idea what I’m doing.
2. What was/is the situation that led to the thought?
   1. I am part of a group project and the work I am assigned will be visible for all to see. The entire class will see what I come up with. The other members of my group are so much better at creating stuff like this – I don’t think I can do as well as they could.
3. What were/are you feeling in that moment?
   1. I feel anxious and unmotivated because I know I will fail. I keep procrastinating even though I know I should have started a week ago.
4. What would you say to support a friend that came to you with this scenario? (Counternarrative)
   1. I know that this is the first time your work will be displayed as part of the group project, but your team members gave you that piece because they have been so impressed with your work up until now! To be honest, the other members of the group probably had the same concerns when they were responsible for that piece. I bet if you talked to them they could help you with a plan to divide up the work so it doesn’t seem so overwhelming.

By replacing our own negative narrative with that of a constructive counternarrative, we are challenging our own reservations and insecurities, gradually shifting the fear of not belonging, or being found out as a fraud, to one of confidence and acceptance. It is through the ability to identify imposter attitudes in oneself, that we can begin to challenge these negative beliefs and thought patterns and work towards building a healthier and more positive self-image. Lastly, find your tribe and hold them dear as they can be your most powerful tool in overcoming those ugly, intrusive, imposter thoughts.